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A compelling or constraining influence,
such as a moral force on the mind or world, PRESSURE.
To be undecided or skeptical,
to tend to disbelieve and distrust, to regard as unlikely, that’s DOUBT.
The condition of being insufficient or falling short,
decline in strength or effectiveness, FAILURE.
The instinct to run, to back away, or give up,
to need, want, reach, steal, the feeling to always want more, and to take more,
the loss of breath at the sight of a car accident,
to drive by, never being able to feel satisfied,
and to reject anyone who tries, and this is MY LIFE.
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Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
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Friday, February 20th, 2009
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This might be pointless but I couldn't help myself ...
I've got a feeling, it's hard to explain
Feels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things im ashamed of feel like dear old st paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all
So bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak
I wanna kiss her lips, but I kissed her cheek
Just hear my request, give this one on fair way
Please take me home before it's too late
Bury me deep, cover me with snow
Wrap me in sleep, blanket of ghosts
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When the tears are all wiped from my face
Wake me when it's spring time in heaven
When I'm strong enough to walk in that place
Laterz,
Tony
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Monday, February 2nd, 2009
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When did it start ?
How's it going to end ?
:::faith:::
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
Blind faith is something I've always had a problem with. The thought of a higher being has always caught my eye ... actually I was brought up in the "faith" but I still tend to question everything having to do with it. I have always thought that the only reason why we as human-beings believe in a God is because we like to have the hope of a better tomorrow. A brighter future with the ability to die and go into an everlasting life. Such as those depicted by many famous authors as "The Perfect Utopian Society". It would be sad to just die and cease to exist.
AHHH ... all these questions that boggle my mind. Why would God give us the ability reason and apply logic to his teachings, giving us the possibility to question his ways?
The problem is that merely stating that God is real says nothing about what God is; claiming to believe in something without precisely defining what that something is, is close to believing nothing at all. When pressed to describe specifically what they believe in, the average person only can repeat claims about God's actions, or about God's love for humanity. Even assuming that those said actions actually happened, or that said relationship actually exists, this says little about the nature of God; it really only tells us about a particular historical incident, or about how people describe their relationship to the divine. When it comes down to it I always pray hard to dive deep into the faith but always come out feeling empty.
God ... or whoever you claim as your "higher-being" has quite a sense of humor. He placed me with friends and family that have a very firm belief in him. He gave me the opportunity to marry a very Christian woman ... it's almost like he just threw me in the middle of all this on purpose ... or maybe to teach me a lesson - one of the two.
The irony of it all is that no matter how much I try to put it off, something always comes to me. A song, a writing, a poem, a moment, a prayer ... something always points towards God. These two songs have are perfect examples:
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Saturday, January 10th, 2009
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I can't say this enough ... wait ... maybe I don't say it at all. But in all honesty, nobody will ever know how lucky I am to have found "The One" at this age. It's not so much that I actually found HER, it's more like "I found the one that puts up with my shit".
Contrary to popular belief, I am one spoiled, know it all, selfish person. But I found someone that is willing to deal with everything I through her way. Someone that has literally cried herself for a whole year to sleep because of my stupid antics and insults. We used to be (and mostly likely will always be) one really long roller-coaster ride. It's not till recently that I have come to realize that she loves me unconditionally. She protects me, takes care of me, keeps me safe (in all sorts of ways), she cooks for me, reads to me, lets me pretty much do whatever the fuck I want and at the end of the day she never likes to stay angry or let me leave without giving each other a good bye kiss. I honestly feel a little useless compared to her ... I feel like she is doing everything and I am just throwing my money around to give us a better life.
I think that what made our relationship so sour was that I had misplaced anger towards EVERYTHING and I only took it out on her. One small fight between Nikki and me would turn into this big array of insults because I would blow everything out of proportion. I literally married the perfect girl for me but I feel like I am not perfect for her ... and if I ever lost her it'd be my fault.
I love Nikki ... there is no doubt about it. I love everything about her and most of the time I think that she is my best friend. WIth her it's not just coming home and exchanging a couple of words ... with her it's coming home and bonding with each other in a way that makes our relationship a lot like having a best friend. She is a "ride or die" bitch lol ... ::end of ghetto moment:: .
I don't know if saying all this is going to make a difference ... then again I'm not saying any of this to make a difference ... I'm simply stating the obvious on a very boring Saturday night while my wife sleeps her allergies away. "Words don't mend a broken heart" - Nicte De Leon-Calvi
"The sweet is never as sweet without the bitter"
-Laterz,
Tony
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Saturday, October 18th, 2008
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I would like to start this entry by announcing to all three people that actually read this that "I GOT ENGAGED & I GOT MARRIED"!!!
Yes, you heard right ... I got down on one knee and proposed to my girl-friend (now wife) and after babbling what I thought was going to be my best speech ever I asked her to be my husband out of pure jitter's and she said YES ! ... I must say it does feel weird knowing that I took the plunge (as my friend Steven said), but it feels great to know that I will be spending the rest of my life with the girl that completes me in ways that no one or nothing can.
We are slowly but surely going to start getting our lives in order ... with the help of family, friends and GOD we will over-come all obstacles that come our way :) Pictures of the engagement and wedding are on my facebook.
On another note:
The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges the 65 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?ʼ
1. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?
2. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
3. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
4. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
5. Or maybe itʼs that we can go from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to show identification as we go through each state.
6. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that could provide temporary shelter.
7. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.
8. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, that emergency workers show up and provide services to all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
9. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.
10. You may be upset knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family, and your belongings.
11. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
12. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping or pillaging the residence. Neighborhoods where 90 percent teenagers have cell phones and computers.
13. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?
Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it.
The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a 'dishonorable' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?
Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!
Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, sre we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
Just a thought for your mind ...
-Laterz,
Tony
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Friday, August 15th, 2008
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HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST ON THIS VERY SPECIAL DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope you have a great day and HAVE MANY MANY MORE ...
<3 love always TONIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
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Watching her sleep makes me realize how lucky I am to have her. We have made it through the thick and thin, we made it to 3 years, we are living together and hopefully we are soon to get married. I see myself growing old with Nikki ... I just do ... no corniness, nothing clichesh ... just perfection :)
I LOVE YOU BEBEH !!!!!!!!!!!
Now and ALWAYS !!!
-Tony
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Nothing is the same anymore.
Those once loved are a short lived memory in my past. They left open wounds and words that were meant to be said ... but as usual they are left at the tip of my tounge with a bundle of rage and passion.
The non-conforming but very much idealistic dreamer that I thought I was has stopped dreaming and started conforming.
The simplicity behind things just don't feel the same. It feels like simplicity could only be achieved with complications (or maybe I'm just growing up). I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy; we break the rules and make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope ...
A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we have not been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant ... knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying. Benjamin Franklin was a very smart man ... hopefully these couple of lines will speak to the part of my brain that needs to hear it. More than anything I hope that the not so distant future could come in full force and shed some light on this old and weary past.
Laterz,
Tony
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Sunday, January 13th, 2008
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I hate updating now-a-days ... it's been what ... half a year ? I think I use this place more than anything to express how much I love the girl I'm with. And right now she is on a trip to Georgia and even though it's only been like one day, it's killing me to not have her. I miss her like crazy, but I can't wait to see her soon :)
I know how it feels
To wake up without her
Lying here all alone
Just thinking about her
I can't believe
Her hold on me
It's something indescribable
I know she knows
But won't you please
[Chorus:]
If you see my girl
Just tell her I miss her smile
Tell her I'm counting the minutes
Gonna see her in a little while
I know when she
Holds on to me
She's the one thing that I could never live without
Oh, oh, oh, oh
And tell her I love her
Oh yeah, just tell her I love her
The way that she moves
You know what it does to me
And when I catch her eye
I can hardly breathe
Still can't believe
Her hold on me
She's just so indescribable
I know she knows
But won't you please, please
[Chorus]
Every time that I'm around her
I just go to pieces crashing tumbling to the ground
I'm so glad I found her
I know how it feels
[Chorus]
Oh yeah, just tell her I love her
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acalvi_77's journal
depressed.
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happy.
loved.